she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
