so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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