So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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