glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
