No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
