I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
