its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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