Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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