If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
