Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
