I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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