I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
