yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
