He managed to light the Jello on fire...
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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