cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Who died my cat blue again?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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