I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
