My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
