I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
