He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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