1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
