i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
