Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
