Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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