That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
