I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
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