if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
