turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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