Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
