how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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