My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
