I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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