For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
