I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
