Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
