hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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