guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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