just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
