So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
