I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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