What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Dignity is for republicans.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
