I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
