Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
