There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
