Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Dignity is for republicans.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
