He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
