he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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