I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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