Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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