Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I love you. Go after that dick
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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