Well douche your snatch and let's go!
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
