I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
