A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
